The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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