Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
