Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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