What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
