No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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