Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
