You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
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so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Found your dick twin last night
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
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The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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