Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
