Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
