I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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