So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize