The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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