Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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