my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
