you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
