one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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