I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
