do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
