so that wasnt chicken after all
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
