I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
