Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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