Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
