Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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