I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
