Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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