I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
