I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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