God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
