I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize