she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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