My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
