Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
