I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
