a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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