I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Do you have feelings for this penis?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
