I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
