guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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