Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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