I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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