yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
