haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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