I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
