I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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