The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
