my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Randomize
