After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
