Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
