What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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