if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
A+ Viking dick