Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
