I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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