I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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