literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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