genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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