He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
