last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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