The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
