I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
